February 9, 2013


Here are ten important tips for ye poor abused and downtrodden masses who've heretofore failed all efforts at domestic bliss. I speak of man, of course. Men. All men. Everyone knows they are the ones with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, low esteem, subject to screaming heeby-jeebies.

The tips I'm passing along have been developed over decades of involved and, yes, dangerous research, tested amid the terrors of household hostilities. Roland's Rules for Rectitudinal Restoration of St. Valentine's Bliss follows:

1. Grovel shamelessly. It's okay if you do so with fingers
crossed. The mere sight of you in grovel-mode is usually enough to restore her pecking order place to your chief domestic antagonist.

2. Sit when told to sit, fetch when told to fetch, roll over
when told to roll over. The benefits accruing from following this procedure seem sufficiently obvious without further elucidation.

3. Never, never, ever let anger take root, and certainly not
show. The best facial expression is nothing at all. Except....

4. When it's permissible to express pleasure in the presence of your life's partner. Then you should always demonstrate complete and overwhelming joy. As long as she seems pleased, you may leap and bounce about, clap your hands, shout exuberantly to your heart's content. Guard against overdoing this procedure, however, as might be indicated when she goes to bed with a migraine.

5. Order Valentine flowers. Do not stop with a boutonniere for yourself--in fact, don't even think of a boutonniere for yourself. (If she wants you to have a boutonniere, she'll pick up a boutonniere). What you want is a corsage that can, if chosen wisely, wash away a lot of previous sins. What's wise? Experiment with something besides dried teaselweeds from the back forty.

6. Limit your couch activities to polite visits with your
partner's doily club. That means no Saturday football, no Sunday football, no Monday night football. You may, however, adjust the doily club routine by watching your spouse watch her morning soaps. (Do not, under any circumstances, try to peek at the svelte leader of her afternoon exercise program, however, or get caught dead
staring at a Victoria Secret commercial.)

7. Eat your brussels sprouts.

8. Resign your golf club membership. Come straight home from work. Do not stop at the Happy Hour Saloon, or Dunkin' Donuts.

9. For vacation purposes: fight shy of California's nude
beaches, rent no Sky Boxes at Las Vegas's newest Adult
Entertainment nightclubs, and don't get caught looking at catalog lingerie.

10. If the previous nine tips failed to turn the trick toward
domestic bliss, simply tell her you love her. This single tip has been the most thoroughly researched of all. Those three words composed of but eight total letters have poured oil on more troubled waters than can be recounted.

If there's still no harmony, mumble "I love you" while also groveling.


Next week? Another walk on the wild side.


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