December 29, 2012


With the year marching steadfastly to a new birthing, it seems a perfectly good time to recount what happened during the year just closing. (Or might have happened--memory serves me ill.)

For one thing, I did NOT get out and about enough. With the latest dire warning from the American Medical Association, PLUS the plethora of pharmaceutical journals delighting in running a harpsichord of chills up and down an old man's vertebrae, it's apparent that a Palestinian suicide bomber has a more optimistic shelf life than a long-in-the-tooth wannabee writer with hangnails and planter warts.

What is clear from the frowns of cardiologist, urologist, proctologist, orthopedist, opthalmologist, physical therapist, and my General Practitioner is that I must get more exercise than merely chasing my stenographer around our home office. The basic problem, of course, is that she's long-winded, I'm short-sighted, and it's a big office. Besides I usually have to turn into the second bathroom to check my coffee level before once again taking up the chase.

It's supposed to be good, so the medical rags claim, for us
would-be wildernuts to return occasionally to wild places if for no other reason than to rediscover our own stupidity--a notion I find offensive because it's clear by perusing their rags that I have a dangerously low level of radial intelligence quotient anyway.

Take their latest diet rage, for instance. Who wouldn't be
intimidated by "phytochemicals," "carotenoids," and "isoflavones"? Today soybeans are in, but only if you roast 'em. Watch your tomatoes, especially in processed form like ketchup or pasta sauce. These days, it's more than a little disturbing to discover roughage comes in two forms: one good, the other bad. Apple fiber, for instance, is good, lettuce fiber is bad. According to this latest medical rumble, apple fiber is "soluble," which means it turns gummy in your tummy, thus slowing digestion and leaving you with a longer full feeling. Lettuce fiber, on the other hand, is "insoluble" and rushes through the intestines at superconductor speed.

I was gratified to find eggs have once again become fashionable, but I'm only supposed to have four per week--and that's not fashionable to me. Potatoes are a risk food, mostly because we take 'em on in French fried form, dripping with salt and grease. Baked is okay, maybe, if we skip the butter, salt, and sour cream--in which case you can take the tuber and tchuck it.

Milk is on its way back, especially low fat. Ice cream is bad. Fish that once received five-star ratings are suspect because some species concentrate toxins in their flesh.

One good thing to come out of this latest is that vegetarianism is suspect because of the risk of iron deficiency, which can lead to anemia.

As a matter of fact, I've never favored taking a chance on anemia anyway.

I ponder and I wonder about the kinds of people doing these studies. It's a twister, that's what it is! How can anyone--even an expert--get a grasp of the subject. And do they get sufficient exercise?

I'm making a resolution for 2013--no eating. That'll fix 'em.


Next week? Another walk on the wild side.


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